Losing Virginity « Result #5 on Mar 12, 2009, 8:11pm »
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
For You I Wish « Result #6 on Mar 12, 2009, 7:53pm »
I have looked at Christmas: holly red Secret Santa: rich pudding-fed: Standing with my eyes shut, on tip toe I’ve stood hopefully under mistletoe. Now, like scrooge, I look at the season new I smile less and party with few And all the words of love now lie Mock silently, ruffle and die. I have looked at Christmas from both sides now From happy and sad and still somehow It’s not the season that I see It’s my own candied fantasy. But for you I wish the happy red show, Stockings filled with family galore; Soul food cooked in kitchens known And sleep that is sound in a bed at home. Because the spirit is not in wishing for ones self you see, And the dreams and the hopes are for your fantasy So I wish you this Christmas old love anew And silent wishes that will do come true.
The Ogress Queen « Result #7 on Feb 28, 2009, 12:08am »
People tell a story about a king who had seven wives but no children. When he married the first woman, he thought she would bear him a son. When she didn't, he married a second with the same hope. When she too turned out to be barren, he married a third, then a fourth, and then the others. But no son and heir was born to make his heart glad and to sit on the throne after him. Overwhelmed by grief, he was walking in a neighboring wood one day when he saw a woman of supernatural beauty.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"I'm very miserable," he said. "I have seven wives but no son and heir to call my own. I came to this wood today hoping to meet some holy man who might bless me with a son."
"And you expect to find such a person here in these lonely woods?" she asked, laughing. "Only I live here. But I can help you. What will you give me if I give you what you wish?"
"Give me a son and you can have half my country."
"I don't want your gold or your country. I want you. Marry me, and you shall have a son. and heir."
The king agreed, took the beautiful woman to his palace, and married her that very week.
Very soon after that, all the other wives of the king became pregnant. However, the king's joy did not last long. The beautiful woman whom he had married was really an ogress. She had appeared before the king as a lovely woman only to deceive him and work mischief in his palace. Every night, when the entire royal household was fast asleep, she would rise and go to the stables and pens, and there she would eat an elephant, a horse or two, some sheep, or a camel. Once her hunger for raw meat and thirst for blood were satisfied, she would return to her room and behave as if nothing had happened. At first the king's servants were afraid to tell him they were missing some animals. But when the toll increased and more and more animals were taken every night, they had to go to him. He gave strict orders to protect the palace grounds and appointed guards everywhere. But the animals continued to disappear, and nobody knew how.
One night, the king was pacing in his room, not knowing what to do. His eighth and most beautiful wife said, "What will you give me if I discover the thief?"
"Anything. Everything," said the king.
"Very well, then. You rest now, and I'll show you the real culprits in the morning."
The king was soon fast asleep, and the wicked queen left the bedchamber and went straight to the sheep pens. She killed a sheep, filled an earthen pot with its blood, returned to the palace, went to the bedrooms of the other seven wives of the king, and stained their mouths and clothes with the blood she had brought. Then she went and lay down in the royal bedroom where the king was still sleeping. At dawn, she woke him up and said to him, "You won't believe this, but your other wives, all seven of them, are the true culprits. They eat live animals. They are not human beings; they are all ogresses. Beware of them. You too are in danger. Go now and see if what I say is not true."
The king did so, and when he saw the bloodstained mouths and clothes of his queens, he feared for his life and flew into a rage. He ordered that their eyes be put out at once and that they be thrown down a big dry well outside the city and left there to starve to death. And it was done.
The very next week, one of them gave birth to a son. The starving queens, nearly dead of hunger, couldn't help eating the newborn child for food. When another queen had a son, he too was eaten. As each of the other queens gave birth to a son, that child was devoured in turn. The seventh wife, who was the last to give birth, did not eat her portions of the other wives' children, but kept them till her own son was born. When he was born, she begged them not to kill him but take the portions she had saved. So this child alone was spared.
The baby grew and became a strong and beautiful boy. When he was six years old, the seven women thought they should show him a bit of the outer world. But how? The well was deep, and its sides were perpendicular. At last one of them thought of a way. They stood on each other's heads, and the one who stood on the top of all took the boy with her and put him on the bank at the well's mouth. The little fellow ran here and there and finally to the palace nearby, entered the kitchen, and begged for some food. He got a lot of scraps. He ate some of the food and brought the rest to his mother and the king's other wives.
This continued for some time. He grew bigger and taller. One morning the cook asked him to stay and prepare the dishes for the king. The cook's mother had just died and he had to go and arrange for the cremation of the body. The clever boy promised to do his best, and the cook left. That day the king was particularly pleased with the dishes. Everything was rightly cooked, nicely seasoned, and beautifully served. In the evening the cook returned. The king sent for him and complimented him on the excellent food he had prepared that day and asked him to cook like that every day. The cook was an honest man and confessed that he had been absent most of the day because his mother had died. He told the king that he had hired a boy to do the cooking that day. When he heard this, the king was surprised and commanded the cook to employ the boy regularly in the kitchen. From then on, there was a great difference in the king's meals and the service, and His Majesty was more and more pleased with the boy and sent him many presents. The boy took them and all the food he could carry to his mother and the king's other wives.
On the way to the well each day, he had to pass a fakir, who always blessed him and asked for alms and always received something. Some years had passed this way, and the boy had grown up to be a handsome young man, when one day by chance the wicked queen saw him. She was struck by his good looks. She asked him who he was and where he came from. The boy didn't know whom he was talking to and so told her everything about himself and his mother and the other queens in the well. And from that moment on, the wicked woman began to plot against his life. She pretended to be sick and called in a doctor. She bribed him to tell the king that she was mortally ill and that nothing but the milk of a tigress would cure her.
This story took place several years ago,wow power leveling, when our boys were about eight years old. It was the first game of the season, and the first game in which the boys began pitching. I went out to discuss ground rules with the umpire and realized that is was also the first year that the boys could steal bases. Unfortunately, we had not gone over this in practice. wow power leveling,So I hurried back to the dugout, gathered my players and proceeded to go over the rules.wow power leveling, As I got to the subject of stealing bases, I announced enthusiastically, "And this year we get to steal!" The news caused the boys to erupt into yelling and cheering. wow gold,Their response left me thinking positively that this might all work out okay after all. wow gold,Then the cheers died down, and as our team was about to take the field, one player loudly exclaimed,wow gold,"Steal what?!" I let out a groan as I realized that the question had come from my son!
These Things I Wish for You « Result #9 on Feb 17, 2009, 9:13pm »
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I’d know better.
I’d really like for them to know about hand-me-down clothes and home-made ice cream and leftover meatloaf. I really would.
My cherished grandson,wow power leveling I hope you learn humility by surviving failure and that you learn to be honest even when no one is looking.
I hope you learn to make your bed and mow the lawn and wash the car -- and I hope nobody gives you a brand-new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see a baby calf born, and you have a good friend to be with you if you ever have to put your old dog to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother.wow power leveling And it is all right to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he’s scared, I hope you’ll let him.
And when you want to see a Disney movie and your kid brother wants to tag along, I hope you take him.
I hope you have to walk uphill with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
If you want a slingshot,wow power leveling I hope your father teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books, and when you learn to use computers, you also learn how to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get razzed by friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and that when you talk back to your mother you learn what Ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain,wow gold burn your hand on the stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I hope you get sick when someone blows smoke in your face. I don’t care if you try beer once, but I hope you won’t like it.wow gold And if a friend offers you a joint or any drugs, I hope you are smart enough to realize that person is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your grandpa or go fishing with your uncle.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through a neighbor’s window,wow gold and that she hugs you and kisses you when you give her a plaster of paris mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you -- tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness.
Jessies Glove « Result #10 on Feb 11, 2009, 4:31am »
I do a lot of management training each year for the Circle K Corporation, a national chain of convenience stores. Among the topics we address in our seminars is the retention of quality employees-a real challenge to managers when you consider the pay scale in the service industry.wow power leveling During these discussions, I ask the participants, "What has caused you to stay long enough to become a manager?" Some time back a new manager took the question and slowly, with her voice almost breaking, said, "It was a $19 baseball glove." Cynthia told the group that she originally took a Circle K clerk wow gold job as an interim position while she looked for something better. On her second or third day behind the counter, she received a phone call from her nine-year-old son, Jessie. He needed a baseball glove for Little League. She explained that as a single mother, money was very tight, and her first check would have to go for paying bills.wow gold Perhaps she could buy his baseball glove with her second or third check.
When Cynthia arrived for work the next morning,wow power leveling Patricia, the store manager, asked her to come to the small room in back of the store that served as an office. Cynthia wondered if she had done something wrong or left some part of her job incomplete from the day before. She was concerned and confused.
Patricia handed her a box. "I overheard you talking to your son yesterday," she said, "and I know that it is hard to explain things to kids. This is a baseball glove for Jessie because he may not understand how important he is,wow gold even though you have to pay bills before you can buy gloves. You know we can't pay good people like you as much as we would like to; but we do care, and I want you to know you are important to us."
The thoughtfulness, wow power leveling empathy and love of this convenience store manager demonstrates vividly that people remember more how much an employer cares than how much the employer pays. An important lesson for the price of a Little League baseball glove.
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